Eyeglasses, in case, Archival Material (20th century)
Collection of Barnett and Annalee Newman

"Wisdom comes from noticing the ridiculed other is us.
Acknowledging this preserves Decency."

MaGoo was a Decent man by most accounts. He was never accused of intending cruelty. Quite the opposite, he was, by all accounts, an innocent, guilty of perhaps, at worst, naivety, at best, a tenacious ignorance. He never knew what he didn’t suspect, and he apparently never suspected anything nefarious about anybody, including himself. His sole sin, if, indeed, this could be counted as a sin, was his steadfast refusal to wear glasses. Being extremely near-sighted, this insistence produced hilarious results as he continually misidentified virtually everything he encountered. He could have easily qualified as The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat, had he been married. He was not ‘touched in the head,’ as was often said in his day, but tenaciously ignorant of the world he inhabited. Because he never knew better, he never suffered. He continually encountered life-threatening situations without once suffering any adverse consequences. It was as if he carried a guardian angel on his shoulders, or one carried him on hers.

In my youth, I watched MaGoo’s antics as portrayed on a cartoon series. I considered him to be old and dottering, though I lately realized that he was probably younger than I am now when I saw him. According to his legend, he was independently wealthy, having inherited his tycoon grandfather’s wealth. He still drove his grandfather’s car, a twenties-era Maxwell, in the early freeway era. He apparently couldn’t see a thing. He’d often end up driving out onto a steel I-Beam suspended from a crane by a wire, though he’d somehow never crash his car. The I-Beam would reconnect to something at the last possible minute, allowing him to drive on unaware of the peril he’d just survived. Every potential catastrophe ultimately turned out to be a good-hearted misunderstanding. MaGoo inevitably made it home in plenty of time for supper.

I have recently been noticing a disturbing convergence between MaGoo’s existence and mine. I’ve been encountering a series of MaGoo-quality experiences that leave me baffled. It seems as if, after a lifetime of relative congruence, I lately can’t always figure my way out of a laundry basket. I surprise myself. Last week, I arrived at my dentist appointment precisely on time. I walked through the door at the very moment I’d believed my appointment was scheduled, except the receptionist had no record of my having a scheduled appointment. I’d just worried the day before that I’d overbooked a car appointment into that same hour, because my calendar had shown a conflict. That morning, I searched for confirmation in vain. There was no entry that hour in my phone’s calendar. Granted, my new and “improved” iPhone features a new, hostile, counter-intuitive user interface, but still, I thought I could rely on my calendar.

Yesterday, I arrived at my windshield replacement appointment, sixty miles from home. I’d wrestled with scheduling the appointment because the company relied on an artificially intelligent assistant to schedule all appointments. After an hour’s effort, I felt confident that I’d successfully scheduled the session. I even received confirmation, and, later, The Muse complained that she’d suddenly been inundated with reminders about a windshield replacement appointment. The receptionist at the windshield shop had not received the memo from their artificailly intelligent assistant. I had no appointment. Just as well, I learned, as a technician stopped to review the situation. What I’d imagined was a broken windshield seal was actually a bit of loose trim the manufacturer had sent out a maintenance notice on, recommending a drop of superglue as the resolution. I’d had no appointment, and it turned out I hadn’t actually needed one.

Mr. MaGoo turned around to head home. Halfway there, he found himself behind a state trooper at an intersection where he needed to turn left. The trooper pulled off to the right. MaGoo interpreted that move to mean he was pulling into the weigh station just to the right of the intersection. He paused, waiting for the trooper to turn. When he didn’t, MaGoo pulled up and made his left turn, whereupon the trooper pulled in behind his stuttering Maxwell/Subaru and turned on his lights. The trooper said that he had been fixing to make that left turn, and that MaGoo had undercut his move. MaGoo explained that, as he tried to find the latest version of registration and insurance information, the trooper had fooled him. He’d never seen anyone pull to the extreme right to set up for a left turn. The trooper apologized for the confusing move and explained that he’d stopped MaGoo to determine if he was driving under the influence. He wasn’t, though he had been recently unconsciously suffering from some benign early-onset MaGooism.

Certain benefits come from living without glasses. The lenses others insist must be necessary to properly perceive what’s happening around us don’t exist for our genuinely hapless MaGoo. He does no damage, except, perhaps, to his already terminally wounded reputation. He’s of an age where reputation becomes meaningless for maintaining an eternally optimistic self-esteem. He will be the butt of others’ jokes regardless of whatever he does. Nobody can say he’s not Decent, an innocent doing no damage as he passes by. He never notices when he’s made the butt of others’ jokes, and he wouldn’t care if he knew. He already knows he’s not going anywhere, just toodling around here. He must understand empathy in ways he couldn’t as a child. Then, he made fun of MaGoo. Now, he recognizes that he’s him, and probably always was.

Wisdom comes from noticing the ridiculed other is us. Acknowledging this preserves Decency.

©2025 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: #Decency, #PureSchmaltz