I know too well my tacit, standing-order, status-quo-preserving force. It’s passive and surprisingly aggressive, an immovable boulder straddling the middle of the road. The pushy force seems small but wily; Kokopelli—part fertility, part trickster.

Moving engages two opposing forces, the urge to preserve identity and the desire to discover anew. I feel seduced by possibilities while tethered to my meagre imagination; I cannot know what this search might uncover, but I sure do want to know. I want to know now!

Time might tell, but she’s silent so far.

My status quo self wants to race to resolution so he can start settling in again. My inner Kokopelli seeks endless seeking. I’m wrenched in between.

This between space seems paradoxical. Nobody can engineer synchronicity, force Gestalt, or command resolution, though seeking a new home seems to encourage each of these impossible responses in me. The inner conflict exhausts me. I often feel powerless as a result.

“In physics, power is the rate at which energy is transferred, used, or transformed. The unit of power is the joule per second (J/s), known as the watt.” (cite Wikipedia)

The power to discover a new home might also be the rate at which energy is transferred, used, or transformed, but the unit of power in this instance becomes the you’ll (you will) per instant, known as the ‘what?’.

What do I want?

While my apparently inescapable internal opposing forces battle, progress comes from the will to stay engaged anyway. Where there’s a you’ll, there might just be a way. Neither force will win. Whether they provide motive power or simply suck energy depends upon whether my you’ll’s engaged. Without you’ll’s presence, nothing could ever resolve because I’d find myself simply stuck in that paradoxical space between opposing forces.

I’m asking myself “what DO I want?” a lot these days. I muster no definitive answer ... yet, but my active inquiry generates some power. “You will,” I tell myself. “You’ll!” Sometimes even believably.

Simply acknowledging the irresolution of my conflicting intentions leaves me stuck in that between space, firmly anchored in transition. Wondering what it might be that I really, truly want from this Chinese Fire Drill keeps me unstuck, moving around but also toward.

As long as I can think I will, I seem to preserve the possibility that I might actually; this seems to be the sole source of considerable power keeping me unstuck for now.

©2012 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: Homeless