Oliver Herford:
The Goat, for "The Crocodile," by Oliver Herford (1891)

"When you're President, the Apologist supply is infinite."

Whenever a new incumbent ascends office, a crowd of true believers quickly encircle the new President. Their primary purpose might be the opposite of their apparent one, for they might seem to be there to ward off any serious misperceptions and set the story straight from the outset, though they're likely also defending their delicate egos lest some inconvenient truth slips out. It's important to understand that everyone engaging in the following farce already knows the worst about the incoming President. They know most of his most serious shortcomings, for he'd been featuring them as evidence of his superior experience for the position throughout the campaign. Seriously, anyone still able to stand in public and spout self-importance after being convicted of rape and fraud might have curiously earned his place as the leader of the free world, a role that might require an egregious amount of shamelessness.

The Apologists have a ready response to every criticism. Famously, on the first day of this clown's first administration, his then and shortly to-be-humiliated press secretary stood before a much more experienced press corps and insisted that contrary to everybody's experience, the inauguration ceremony earlier that day had had more attendees than any previous one in the history of the country. He ended his declaration with a clear threat to the "lying" press, promising that this was how it would be and correspondents not adhering to the official line might find their credentials disappearing—a clear threat following a blatant lie. And so the relationship between that President and the free press went, never different even after his Presidency ended. To this day, the press seems to tip-toe around this character, extending what amounts to special favor in return for retaining access. Over time, much of the once-reliable press became Apologists, too, explaining away the otherwise inexplicable and quietly conditioning their audiences.

We used to call Apologists "toadies" and "narks." They were the grovelers anxious to recruit others and ready to rat out any too-obvious dissenters. My generation learned early how to distrust our leaders, from the narcissistic junior high school principal to the budding authoritarian administrators up to and especially including our President then, who proved incapable of questioning his military advisors when they encouraged him to continue an unjust and unwinnable war. We were the potential cannon fodder, so we easily understood the price of his continuing deception. My generation dabbled in drug use, which rendered us criminals. We grew up wary. We understood how loose lips can sink ships at least as well as our parents once had. We eyed the local constabulary as untrustworthy, our enemy rather than our allies. We all knew somebody who had been busted for some otherwise innocuous infraction. We knew the war on drugs as a war against decent kids and those waging the war as essentially war criminals. Richard Nixon delayed the Paris Peace Talks to gain an advantage in the 1972 campaign. We knew our President then as an unindicted criminal conspirator, even if he was never charged.

In some ways, my generation never grew up. We never lost our suspicion of The Man, whoever held that role. Now a serving local Port Commissioner, the Muse often encounters such suspicion. She understands that to many, she's guilty by deeming that she has been elected, all elected officials being crooks who proclaim they're not. I have become somewhat of an Apologist for her if only to defend my close association with that incumbent. I know she's not crooked, though it seems some of the electorate cannot believe she's not since all officials are crooked by definition in their internal dictionary. I blame the vehemence of party leaders, those who chose to humiliate and punish rather than include their opponents. I was never any threat to my government, certainly nothing like the threat my government always seemed like it was to me, but I felt treated as if I truly was just another usual suspect. I'd tuck my collar into my coat and slink away whenever I saw a cop coming my way. I lived in abject terror that an innocent error on my tax return might land me in prison. I hail from an unshakably paranoid generation.

The Apologists insist on setting the record straight, even if it's not particularly crooked. They often become infamous Mansplainers, anxious to explain in greater detail and oblivious when anyone's attention cannot bear to hear. They specialize in arcane facts and use them to attack any notion they consider naive. They are not, by nature, terribly skilled listeners. They do not stand up to have their perspectives shifted. They will usually ride their convictions to the bottom of the sea if need be. They cannot admit error. It might be that they cannot perceive any behavior but benevolence from their incumbent. They might be so freaking full of Kool-Aid® that they truly cannot see either forest or tree, but only what they firmly believe to be true. They feel compelled to convince you. They are a normal and expected part of every incumbent's retinue. Most of these with this incoming administration will have been discredited within the first few months. Some unsettling experience will bust through their defenses, and they will commit an inconvenient truth and, so, will have to go. Some will feel banished then, but more, perhaps, will feel liberated, for even the most self-deceiving Apologist knew the underlying truth all along. They secretly hoped an exit would appear, and when one finally does, they gratefully disappear to be replaced with another fresh-faced recruit. When you're President, the Apologist supply is infinite.

©2025 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

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