Wouter Pietersz II Crabeth: The Incredulity of St Thomas (c. 1626-30)

"I might conclude that confidence isn't required …"

I pity all True Believers, for they cannot experience incredulity, and without that small skill, they become a shill for every come-on and con artist they encounter. The True Believer insists that their faith sustains them while it nibbles away at whatever originally made them human. Only machines seem capable of unambiguous engagement; every other entity reserves something to preserve itself in case it makes an incorrect assessment. We gingerly place a toe in the water before jumping in. We likewise invest as if we could lose everything rather than as if we were sure from the outset to win. Caution trumps certainty—Doubt conditions belief.

My mother ended every phone call I ever had with her by saying, "Well, I don't know much." That was her cue that she was just about through talking, that the popcorn was showing signs of being just about finished popping. It might have taken another five minutes or more to finally break the connection, for it seemed we'd always end up knowing more than either of us recognized we knew. Still, the substansive part of the call was through just as soon as she declared her abiding ignorance. I thought that coda reassuring, a reminder that one can even succeed as a mother in this world without necessarily learning everything there is to know about mothering. Better, I suspect, to feel convinced that I don't know much than to gush unwanted knowledge and self-importance all over any proceedings. Just sayin'.

In both religion and education, I received strong hints that the purpose of each practice might be to banish Doubt. I almost convinced myself that I could only be a good Christian if I'd managed to transcend the novice's natural Doubting to find something more sustaining. I never suspected that the Doubting was never really a problem but a feature of each believer's practice. This paradox resonates through every practice and every profession. The experts exemplify what each profession entails. As a result, they can usually more definitively declare what cannot be done than what might be accomplished. Only the novice, it seems, with their Doubt still relatively intact, ever manages to see what's next. Those who come to understand best tend to foresee least.

Nobody in the history of this universe so far ever came to know what would come next. They often managed with lame projections, injections of the unanticipated, and surprise. However little doubt entered these equations apparently never mattered, as the universe seems to grind on oblivious to these machinations.  I Doubt that I know much, and never more than when I feel challenged to create another story only to encounter what might as well be a brick wall before me. I never know for sure what I might discover there, and I always, always, always (so far, at least) sincerely Doubt my ability to dredge up anything worth swallowing from what always at first appears to be dregs. I seem to start these sessions as my mom always ended our phone conversations, confiding to myself that I don't know much.

Truth be told, I do not know very much at all. I have been a reluctant student of everything since before I started school. I have steadfastly avoided becoming very expert at anything, feeling as though that achievement might somehow do me in. The best I've managed so far has been the declaration that I might be—(I said, "Might!")— an expert at not being an expert of anything. Stumbling upon something demands little of the stumbler. It might be best if he tests more toward the Tabula Rasa end of the scale, filled with little more than trepidation as well as Doubt. My surprise at finding anything most mornings more than counterbalances whatever I might have believed I might have needed to know before I could find anything useful. I remain skeptical, Doubtful until I'm not. I've never once entered into any meaningful engagement anywhere feeling self-confident. I might conclude that confidence isn't required to acquire, only to defend. Doubt seems to nudge open otherwise impassable passages into unimaginable futures. Its Grace might lie solely within this potential, though I Doubt it.

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Tags: #Grace, #PureSchmaltz