Print: Edward III, King of England and France (1817)

"I might just as well consider myself not even distantly related."

My twenty-first great-grandmother was twelve or thirteen when she married the love of her life, himself only fifteen at the time, and future king of England, on November 1, 1254. Eleanor of Castile qualified as genuine royalty with an ancestry dating back centuries, from before the beginning of the Dark Ages to around 500 AD, starting with a Prefect of Gaul and disappearing into doubtless royal parentage before. Since then, her forebears had fulfilled roles as varied as manager of an early Frankish Duke's household to kingships in what would later be Germany, France, Spain, and Portugal. If anything, my Fambly's history speaks to the absolute absurdity of generational wealth. Edward and Eleanor were perhaps the wealthiest monarchs in British history. A few offspring by mistresses and great-grandchildren don't receive any split of King great-Grandpa's pot. A few patricides engender hard feelings, especially within the immediate family.

Eleanor bore Edward III's first child at thirteen while still on her honeymoon. She'd not yet visited England, and her husband was still in succession to the throne and engaging in The Hundred Years' War on the continent. Later, he would send her ahead to wait for his return and their coronation in Westminster. She became Queen Consort and remained deeply suspicious to portions of the English aristocracy, partly due to her Spanish ancestry. During her and her hubby's reign, the Barons staged an uprising. They were even successful for a time, holding Elinore captive in Westminster until Edward's crew dislodged and displaced the protestors.

Edward turned out to be one of the bloodier English kings. He carried considerable stones in his pockets for the Scottish kings and Wales and made a fool of himself in battle several times. In one of those twists of fate, I had Great-grandfathers on both sides of those battles. Edward III and Eleanor also had a WallaceProblem. From the 1270s and into the 80s, Eleanor gained the reputation of being a canny and shady real estate speculator. Her preferred method involved buying debt held by Jewish money lenders on estates, then turning out the former owners. This practice hardly endeared her to many in the peerage.

" … during the late 1270s, Jews were targeted for coin-clipping offenses. Although the evidence was largely fictional, around 10% of the Jewish population was sentenced to death, representing over 300 individuals. As a result, their assets were seized and forfeited to the Crown; together with fines for those who escaped hanging, over £16,500 was collected, from which Eleanor received a significant portion. Other income from Jews came from seizures of their property at death, particularly if she had close financial relations with them. Following the 1290 Edict of Expulsion, when the Jewish population was expelled from England, their houses, debts, and other property were forfeited to the Crown. Around £2,000 was raised for the Crown from sales, but much was given away in about 85 grants to courtiers, friends, and family, including the Synagogue at Canterbury, which Eleanor gave to her tailor." Wikipedia

Before they were crowned, Eleanor accompanied Edward III on an unsuccessful crusade in 1270. England was at peace, so they joined his uncle Louis IX of France on the Eighth Crusade. They made it as far as Acre in the Holy Land, where an assassin stabbed Edward with a poisoned dagger, but a physician carved away the poisoned flesh, preserving the then-future king. By all accounts, Eleanor and Edward were inseparable.

Eleanor survived sixteen pregnancies. She died in the village of Harby, Nottinghamshire, on November 28, 1290, aged 49, after 36 years of marriage. Edward III was inconsolable. He arranged perhaps the most elaborate funeral procession in British history, a total of two hundred miles. He later erected an elaborate stone Eleanor Cross at each stopping point along the way back to London, twelve in all. Cromwell's roundheads later defaced or destroyed them in the mid-seventeenth century. Her crypt in Westminster, however, remains one of the most ornate.

How did the Queen of England end up with progeny dying in childbirth along The Oregon Trail four hundred and fifty years later? Such are the vagaries of history. None of us can ever guarantee the safety or security of any of our progeny, let alone the progeny of the progeny of our progeny. History will have its way with each, providing barriers as well as opportunities. Eleanor also could not have possibly foreseen her twenty-first great-grandson quietly writing in the corner of an Oregon City Starbucks with the new Taylor Swift album quietly intruding in the background on an April morning seven hundred years and change later. I might just as well consider myself not even distantly related.

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