Jack Gould: Untitled
[woman wearing dice costume playing golf] (c. 1950)

"He's absent without leave or purpose. This might be his greatest gift to us."

Golf represents one very prominent feature of NextWorld. I might be tempted to insist that our Incumbent sought the job for the leisure time it provided, for, despite being one of the Quote, Busiest people in the world, Unquote, he somehow manages to spend three or four days each week at one of his golf courses, playing or playing at golf. I might also be tempted to consider this proclivity evidence of more than an idle interest, perhaps an addiction, for few activities more demean high office than time spent on "the links." The game represents the pinnacle of what economist Thorsten Veblen called Conspicuous Consumption. Veblen lost a series of university appointments because he insisted upon writing unpopular analyses of the world he inhabited. He possessed the temerity to propose that the apparent purpose of success in America was to essentially waste the resulting wealth showing off. Few human activities seem more frivolous than owning clubs dedicated to offering well-heeled opportunities to fritter away hours chasing a small ball around a park. Indeed, the most frivolous possible activities involve throwing away irreplaceable time.

Kurt Vonnegut believed that the true purpose of human existence involves farting around. While this insight has obvious truth, there might be limits to the practical exercising of even this purpose. The Founders probably never considered the purpose of the office of the presidency to be farting around. When one gets elected to be the leader of the free world, one's behavior should not belie that responsibility. Imagine if I, a month into a new position, chose to spend more than half my time "farting around." I might receive a puzzled talking to. But when executives engage as if they were frat boys, few eyebrows get raised. We expect that behavior since we knew them to be unserious types, anyway. Golf seems minimally intrusive. It harms nobody, though it certainly does seem extremely unproductive. I suppose it could be that the one-percenters who golf away their days are just so damned productive that they desperately need to bleed off some of their time lest they, I don't know, explode into some supernova of results, maybe even breaking the space/time continuum in the process. I do not know. People who spend a lot of time playing golf do not appear serious.

We knew our Incumbent was unserious before we somehow re-elected him. He owned gold courses, for Cripe’s sake. There has never been a serious person who chose the golf industry to be their best of all possible career opportunities. Golf clubs of the sort our Incumbent owns represent the worst elements of the American character. They are exclusive, expensive, and utterly ridiculous. Those who feel compelled to join might be the same types who choose to live in gated communities, inherit great wealth, and feed their egos. They seem to compete with each other to achieve the greatest frivolity, be it a yacht, private jet, or vacation home they inhabit for all of two weeks each year. They seem to be bubble babies. These are not society's leaders but its most dedicated followers. They predictably swarm around whatever's considered popular at the moment. Few achieve anything more noteworthy than a hefty contribution to one of the more popular, uncontroversial charities. Their names appear on plaques in the lobbies of some opera houses. By tradition, they are probably not Jewish, Catholic, Hispanic, or Asian. Let's say they tend to sunburn easily. Still, they choose to spend their days out in the sun.

Roman emperor Nero was said to have played a violin while Rome burned around him. This image represents how most Americans view the class obsessed with playing golf. The golf plays the players, effectively distracting them from what couldn't help but be more critical business. To ignore more important business and effectively shirk sacred responsibilities like Incumbency represents the most conspicuous consumption possible. However, this sort does not gain the general admiration of an adoring public. It encourages a deep distrust. They think, if I was entrusted with such grave responsibilities, would I find time to engage in obviously frivolous activities so frequently? I know, the usual defense involves explaining that playing golf is how they unwind. If one needs to spend more than half their time unwinding, it might mean one's coping poorly with a position’s responsibilities. Most people manage with two weeks of annual vacation that they mostly spend catching up with maintenance around the house. They work fifty weeks straight to spend two repainting their house.

The Incumbent's business was never business, though he's always touted himself as a brilliant businessman. He's a golfer who sometimes, in the briefest possible glimpses, focused on some actual businesses, most of which failed. He's consequently mostly what's referred to as a crony, essentially one of those clowns who spends the bulk of his time clowning around with an adoring gang as if they were still in junior high. Clowning around doesn't quite satisfy Vonnegut's interpretation of Farting Around, though. In our Incumbent's case, clowning around primarily involves cracking jokes at others' expense and making threatening public statements, none of which seem serious. He seems to be playing a role he's grown more than comfortable with, one essentially as vacuous as it is meaningless. He's a third-rate actor fumbling his lines. The media might hang on to his every utterance, but the rest of us are too focused on actual challenges to fuss much about his dalliances. He was elected to retire in place. In the face of all the usual challenges anyone's life entails, he chose to retire in place to play golf while encouraging others like him to follow along. In this sense, and no other, is our Incumbent anything even remotely like a leader. The Oval Office might just as well have a Gone Fishin' sign hanging on the doorknob. He's absent without leave or purpose. This might be his greatest gift to us.

©2025 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: #NextWorld, #PureSchmaltz