Still Image, Periodical illustration, by unknown photographer:
Bodies recently discovered at Pompeii, in the same position
as when overwhelmed by the ashes of Vesuvius (1893)

"Why would I expect anything to feel any different now?"

I might be a master at overWhelming myself and also at master at underWhelming myself as well. I hold no middle or middling ground, only extremes: swamped or parched, tossed or drowned. I might need a vacation, a break from my usual expectations since every one seems to overwhelm my coping mechanisms. I consequently feel trapped in a world beyond or beneath me, chalking up experience only as an incapable contributor. I figure nothing out. The instruction manual only complicates use. Experience further confuses rather than informs.

I'm almost certain this Whelming amounts to a self-inflicted state. It must result from something I'm doing without being fully aware of my actions. The effects seem to be reactionary responses rather than primary experiences. They seem to resonate with something I cannot quite seem to touch. I might as well be unconscious, as capable as I feel to successfully direct my actions. Each perturbation seems likely to swamp my boat or high-center me. Either way, forward progress seems unlikely. I might have started expecting myself to fail, strong evidence that I'll probably continue failing for now.

If this state self-perpetuates, how might I escape? Or is escape even a proper response? If everything happens for a reason, and even Whelming might be a form of Grace, perhaps its presence hasn't manifested so that it might be vanquished or bested; maybe it's just a state and not another performance test. I sometimes hold myself to too high of a standard, as if I should ordinarily be brilliant every minute. Worse, as if I should feel brilliant even when mucking around in sludge. Certainly, great work does not always result from enjoyable effort; enjoyable effort does not always produce great product. Much mucking around seems required to produce even mediocre results. Greatness often emerges only after a lengthy aging period when future greatness isn't yet apparent and seems unlikely. Whelming might just be a normal part of such processes.

I sometimes feel as though I've been chained to the wheel, forced to continue steering even when beyond exhausted. I distantly remember feeling well-rested. I do not even distantly recall ever feeling refreshed. I have been forever pushed as if late for an important appointment, perhaps a test for which I still need to complete studying. Forced to sit unprepared, pouring through utterly unfamiliar questions, knowing for sure that I was likely flunking every second. I remember sitting for the Scholastic Aptitude Test. I'd heard about the test through the grapevine but was uncertain what to expect. I felt annoyed that I had to take a Saturday morning off work and spend some hard-earned treasure for the privilege of experiencing something likely humiliating. It was, indeed, humiliating, with question after question utterly unlike any question I'd ever encountered. I had no idea how to even parse each expectation. Further, I could not imagine in what form I might have posed a correct answer.

I don't remember my score, which never even rose to the level of unimportant. The test had disqualified itself with its impertinence. If it represented intelligence, I'd choose its opposite, whatever I needed to do to avoid a repeat performance. I didn't realize at the time that I faced a false choice, for my life would become a forced-choice test whether or not I ever again consented to sit for another obviously trumped-up exam. Life itself seems impertinent enough, and it would be incumbent upon me to try not to take it altogether too seriously. The answers on a SAT won't guarantee success or even happiness. Plenty of successful test takers went on to fail at university and in life for various probably unrelated reasons. Those who weren't Whelmed by the experience missed an opportunity to sample what would undoubtedly be served up next. Why would I expect anything to feel any different now?

©2024 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: #Grace, #PureSchmaltz