John Tenniel: "Once," said the Mock Turtle, with a deep sigh,
"I was a real turtle."
Illustration from the 1911 Edition of Alice in Wonderland (1911)

"Congratulations, or something, Mr. President! Grow a pair!"

If anything distinguishes Democracies from all other forms of governance, it must be the freedom to shamelessly mock itself in public. The chief problem with authoritarianism lies in its innate humorlessness. It takes everything, especially the microscopically irrelevant, seriously. It presumes to make daily proclamations insisting upon the most fantastical absurdities. It continually assaults common sense and its citizens' own experience, attempting to override it with idiotic ideology. One's left wondering what could possibly come next. Our current authoritarianism infection began with a full frontal assault on decency. If an unwinnable opponent were ever proposed, common decency would seem the perfect choice. Only one so thoroughly entranced in their own self-importance could ever seriously consider making decency their primary enemy. Of course, they had to ineptly hide their real agenda. This tactic barely worked before utterly undermining itself, as any founding father could have easily predicted it would, for we are not that serious a society. We were founded upon the sacred proposition that all people were created equal, which, roughly translated, means in practice that everyone holds the more or less equal responsibility to be the butt of their fellow citizens' jokes. If nobody stands above the law, nobody stands above the next derisive punchline, either.

Our society has evolved into an entertainment medium. The success of social media, and lately those damned TicTok® videos, amplifies my point that commedians now rule us. Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog, has become a saint on social media. Derisive humor is our current most popular sacrament. We take our damned Democracy so seriously that we seemingly deride it with every other breath. Our Democracy's so fat it needs a rotunda to sit under! (Yo Mama Jokes serve as evidence of true reverence!) Sarcasm might be the very best offense against encroaching Authoritarianism, if only because authoritarians seem so damned humorless. They take every derisive sleight seriously. It's easier to get under an authoritarian's skin than to wrankle a Bernie Bro, so in the curious paper/rock/scissors game of political combat, those who can laugh at their own foibles always win. The others get so tangled up defending their dignity, they drown in their amplified self-esteem. They might not lack for ego strength, but that brand of self-esteem does not matter. It's deeply superficial.

The pomp and the circumstance exist for the satirist to poke holes in. Crowns are supposed to hold down the haughtiest heads. I've been starting my days with derisive thoughts. A satire a day has been helping keep the manic depression at bay, but even the manically depressed better undress the pompous. If one cannot spot the absurdity embedded within the most serious business, one becomes enslaved to a certain fussiness. Yes, Christian Nationalism sure seems like serious business, except it's perched upon the most ridiculous absurdities. Its presumptions disprove themselves. Its tenets, self-negating. Anyone seriously promoting themselves as superior successfully demonstrates an utterly undermining counterargument. The proper response to that recent State of the Union Speech could only have been uproarious laughter. The opposition should have split a gut, howling like a recently ruptured duck. This presidency's agenda seems too serious to be taken any way but unseriously. The minority leadership should gather nightly in a circle to share humorous anecdotes about what happened in that latest session. Invite the professional comedians to share their perspectives. Yuk it up, like we actually live in a democracy.

Yesterday, I thought up the concept of PresidentialFetalhood. It seemed to encapsulate one abiding truth about this absurd administration. While our incumbent publicly demonstrates an ever-decreasing cognitive capacity, his cohorts clamor ever more vehemently for a ridiculous concept they call Fetal Personhood. Few ideas in the history of humanity have ever approached the level of absurdity of Fetal Personhood. Yet, it's become a fundamental tenet of modern authoritarian Christian thought, if I dare label it a product of thought. Suppose fetuses are people, as they contend. In that case, our incumbent, with his cognitive function reduced to within spitting distance of fetal-level, so deeply into his second and final cognitive childhood, should clearly be capable of fulfilling the obligations of the presidency. It just stands to reason, or stands to the sort of reason the disloyal opposition tends to rely upon. It's absurdity incarnate and should be publicly appreciated as that.

The President of These United States agrees to be the chief butt of the citizen's jokes for the duration of their term if not for life. Bill Clinton will wear that dark blue dress long after inhabiting his casket. Every linguistic foible George W. ever uttered remains prominently embroidered into the American consciousness. We chuckle knowingly whenever we fondly remember another executive's stumble. Every king ever to mount a throne served first as the butt of his citizen's jokes. The Communists would jail any comedian they caught making fun, and take altogether too seriously what was never intended to be anything more than a poke. Kings and potentates are by nature pitiful. They pretend to be better solely because they know they're worse off. Those who can get up on a Wednesday morning without worrying about their schedule live superior lives. Those entrusted with serious affairs of state tend to waste their nonrefundable time in negotiations. If they are worthy of performing their service, they are deserving of our derision. If they are worthy of their role, they should welcome the appreciations that only ever come mounted on a barbed hook.

Congratulations, or something, Mr. President! Grow a pair!

©2025 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: #CHope , #PureSchmaltz