Edvard Munch: Self-Portrait in Moonlight (1904–06)

"I might one day learn just to appreciate its presence…"

My story shifts from day to day. One day, I might feel the hero, and another, the cad. More consequently, the story I tell myself about myself also constantly shifts. Whether I think myself a hero or a cad might matter. Some studies suggest that I might even be capable of talking myself into performing either role by simply repeating a story suggesting as much. SelfTalk, one of the pillars of the ever-burgeoning self-helpless industry, refers to these stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. The accuracy of these stories seems to have little to do with the effects they encourage. If I think myself a cad and tell myself stories reinforcing this notion, I might be much more likely to act out as if those stories were accurate in what might be considered a self-fulfilling prophecy. Regardless of its initial validity, I might become the story I tell myself about myself.

This notion suggests that I had best be careful when choosing my internal narrative, implying that I should nurture only the best opinion of myself regardless of my actual performance, lest my SelfTalk degrade my experience. An entire generation of high self-esteem individuals might have resulted from such advice, people nurturing themselves with uplifting stories in hopes of, as a result, uplifting themselves. Verbal levitation! I wonder if it necessarily follows. I have caught my SelfTalk trash-talking myself, chastising myself for the habit. I know I have a situationally low opinion of myself, but not necessarily unwarranted. I do some things exceptionally poorly, and no positive SelfTalk seems likely to change that reality.

It might be that my negative SelfTalk has proven more damaging to me than my positive SelfTalk has ever been. I have proven capable of talking myself out of certain challenges, thereby undermining opportunities. I seem cautious by nature. It's how I keep myself safe, but sometimes, a sorry sort of safety results. The Muse might march into some experience I would routinely talk myself out of. I narrow my possibilities in this way.

But SelfTalk doesn't just parse into positive and negative; value-neutral varieties exist, too. I often talk to myself just to hear somebody speak. I ask my cats questions I know they'll never answer, yet I persist. "How's my baby boy cat doin'," I ask almost every morning as I pass by his nesting chair. He lifts his head as if in acknowledgment before settling back to sleep, leaving my question unanswered. I often talk myself through confusing or complex tasks. I also talk myself into things I might not naturally feel all that attracted to and out of things I'd rather not engage in. I think my SelfTalk remarkably balanced, given all the advice I've received about deploying it. Yes, I have talked myself out of innumerable opportunities, but how else could anyone pick and choose? I wouldn't have wanted to engage in every opportunity, and making up some flimsy excuse and repeating it to myself seems a valid form of self-protection, even if it ultimately protects me from nothing.

A steady diet of positive SelfTalk seems like a worst-case scenario. I do not always want to be the hero. I sometimes need to be the cad. I wrestle with my persistent a priori notion that positive SelfTalk equates to good SelfTalk and negative to bad. I should probably not consider the same superpower that enables me to talk myself into something less of a superpower when I employ it to talk myself out of something, even something that might have been wonderful had I chosen to engage in it. A bias toward positive SelfTalk seems similarly damaging as a bias toward negative. We sometimes seem to have spawned an entire generation captivated by their own positive stories and disengaged. But these seem little different from those who have nurtured their own negative stories to burnish their grudges. I have found myself in both camps at times.

My nightmare might lurk where I bombard myself with negative SelfTalk when I catch myself not bombarding myself with positive, the really-should-otta chastising talk that seems unlikely to encourage much of any positive response. Those raised by critical parents were not magically enabled to outperform others. They were probably more likely to perform worse than they might have had they just been subjected to neutral feedback. I need to chew on myself sometimes; my well-being depends upon this continuing ability. I need to appreciate myself sometimes, even to the point of dabbling in a bit of self-esteem fiction. My SelfTalk seems permanent however it happens. I might one day learn to appreciate its presence without judging its message.

©2023 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: #iAlogue , #PureSchmaltz