Perhaps the purpose of these inquires was never as I envisioned—to find that definitive answer—but to reassure myself that I had not overlooked another's scholarship and jumped to some hasty conclusion. And the searches, even the researches, were arduous enough to render attractive even weak resolutions. At times, I would have gladly traded for a single magic bean—even the promise of that bean for future delivery, such was the frustration, the crazy-making frenzy of my search. And I admit to taking respite on the occasional flimsy lilly pad, my weight swamping the damned thing, my sleeplessness eventually driving me back into the deep chilling water to ask again and then again.

But I was praying to a false God, worshiping a moldy idol, asking for the wrong prayers to be answered. And they were not answered. Thank heavens!

When I was first assigned to lead a project, I suspectedthat there were a few keys that, once discovered, might unlock the mystery to fulfilling the assignment. I was certainly not certified then, and definitely not qualified to fulfill the desperate demands of my management, who just wanted this embarrassment of a project done. They no more than I understood why this tar baby refused to be released, though they, unlike I, had a lot more reasons why it should have been a simple matter of a tweak here, a temporary reassignment there, and everything would resolve just as it should have resolved in the first place. And no reasons why it should not.

And I entered—probably because it was in my self-esteem's best interest to believe it so—believing that I could certainly right this slightly capsized vessel. It was not a very large ship and it was not anything like completely capsized.

It eventually washed ashore. No welcoming brass band, no grateful horns blaring. In the dark. Under considerable fog. Almost everyone survived. Cold, wet, thankful to be alive and wary of any opportunity to leave solid ground again.

But it was heady stuff, this blind navigation, this frenzied search for the presumed missing keys. I didn't know then and barely accept now that no one in the history of the world had ever managed to discover those presumed lost keys because they were not lost but had never been forged. It would take many dedicated, hopeful years before I would accept even the hint that those presumed keys could never and so would never be cast. They were not lost, just unfindable. Yet it was my steadfast belief that they had been cast and lost and that I could find them that motivated me through decades of delusional dedication. My enthusiasm was even infectious for a time, until it was no longer.

...to be continued ...