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BriefConsulting 1.0: The Suits

The Suits quite deliberately dress a little better than you, disarmingly casual in their formal business wear. Who couldn’t be seduced? Shoes glossy, ties perfectly knotted, shirts starched into absolute submission, knife-edged pants, cuffs shot to show just a wink of onyx cufflink inside. Funny how I can’t remember a single face. No sincere smile, no twinkling eye, no wink of recognition, just those finely tailored empty suits.

Their advice seems equally disconnected. They share abstract models, distilled to wispy essence—ten easy, twelve step, top five best practices, and the most mysterious commodity of all, expertise. For these hollow suits are experts at appearing expert. They’ve been there, done that, and carry the answers to your most persistent questions, even before you ask. They’ll even tell you what your questions really should be so their answers resolve them satisfactorily.

They are top producers, seducers. They know just where you live. They bring a reputation for flawless execution, mythology carefully crafted by some top-flight Madison avenue shop. They are appearances elevated to separate, seductive reality. You might get better, but you can’t pay more. They are whores, expert at teaching their clients how to screw themselves while charging that all-important premuim rate.

They are glossy amoral strategic partners, focused on their own bottom line. They say you need to change your culture, invest in the future, get yourself up to speed to compete in the new millennium, otherwise the swing of that old pendulum will knock you off your feet. Word on the street says you can’t compete without their one-best Way. Mortgage tradition ‘cause perdition greets any who go astray.

They sell top-down, hanging around where the C level executives stay. They’ve an army of minions recently graduated from Princetons, who’ll do the work day-to-day. They’ll advise a mandate endorsed by the prelate to encourage everyone on board, then provide monthly updates, increasingly intestate, while the scope creeps overboard. The board will be pleased to have been teased into this future beyond their grasp, and never suspect as they they pay their respects that these suits have induced their firm’s last gasp.

The future might seem to require these schemes to overcome tenacious beliefs, but the future Suits bring distills to a dream the next Suits will have to help you achieve.

©2012 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

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