Frans Everbag: Spaarvarken en spaarbankboekje
[Piggy bank and savings bank book] (1915)

"( … can we actually achieve greater before we've even achieved great?)"

How very fortunate we are to find ourselves blessed with an experienced self-dealer holding the office of the presidency. Prior office holders were not so experienced in the fine, if often shady, art of creating personal fortunes through insider trading. Far fewer than one percent of any population ever possess the secret to resolving every problem human civilization has ever encountered, so what were the chances that we'd hit that lotto number in our lifetime? In any lifetime? Probably much less than zero, but here we are with an experienced self-dealer at our service! Just last week, he invited a group of crypto-captains to supper at the White House, where he announced the creation of a Strategic Crypto Reserve to be added to the nation's other stores of wealth like Ft. Knox. He apparently tipped off those insiders as to which currencies he would choose for the pilot program. Over the following weekend, two previously languishing cryptocurrencies experienced dizzying increases in value, suddenly launching whoever held those "currencies" into personal wealth beyond imagination. The president himself, skilled self-dealer that he was, reportedly cleared something north of five billion dollars just over those two days, a return he confidently declared amounted to peanuts. The targetted cryptos reportedly later crashed back to be worth a little less than before they started booming that previous Friday.

In the past, such an admission would have put him into the number one slot for investigation by the FBI's financial fraud division. Still, recent innovations in jurisprudence removed self-dealing from the list of offenses if the act is part of a president's official duties. And what else might constitute official duties if not launching a new class of strategic currency reserve? He and his fellow insiders produced enough wealth just over that weekend to fund significant parts of our federal bureaucracy without resorting to taxes. So I'm wondering why our self-dealer doesn't focus his stable genius on double-dealing for the American people. Look, every problem this country has ever faced can be traced to poverty as its source. The crises in everything from housing to education, from climate change to Fentanyl®, even extending to immigration, can easily be traced to the effects of poverty, so doesn't it just make sense for our experienced genius president to perform pump-and-dump trades for his constituents? Doesn't it just make sense?

Fuck a chicken in every pot. This president has the power to put a billion into every bank account. This would instantly resolve all the problems our formerly burgeoning federal bureaucracy was so frustratingly focused on ameliorating. What better reason to eliminate the Department of Housing and Urban Development if every citizen could suddenly afford to buy whatever home they wanted? People previously experiencing homelessness could instantly relocate to any neighborhood they choose and even expect to be welcomed by their new neighbors. I'm even betting that bigots will welcome "lesser races" once they see the color of their money is the same as theirs and just as plentiful, too. The Internal Revenue Service could oversee the orderly distribution of this burgeoning wealth. I'm betting there won't be a communist worth their salt left in the world once they experience possessing excessive wealth. Once gold becomes as common as air, imagine the joy we'll find everywhere.

Our president will take the stage and refuse all accolades in his usual humble way. I can almost hear him declaring his accomplishment, which utterly transformed the world forever, to be "peanuts." I can't yet imagine what he might choose to do for his second act after single-handedly solving the human dilemma. I suspect that the government itself might fall next. Who needs a governing body when everybody is suddenly and permanently a king? No man a pauper, no woman enslaved, no child ever neglected, no minorities left worth abusing. Once America becomes great beyond any time in memory, he may focus his self-dealing skills on making the rest of the world as rich as us. Cryptocurrencies are cheap as dirt until the market magic converts them into gold. Everybody wins as long as the winnings get sold off before the value crashes. Even those who lose their shirts can be assured that their worm will turn again, especially once the refurbished Internal Revenue Service directs AI toward randomly churning the crypto markets. Then we'll control the closest thing to the Midas Touch this world has ever seen.

Oh, we of little faith, who watched as our previously struggling economy began crumbling before us. We had no clue what our resident stable genius was planning to do. Had we had that mustard seed of faith, we wouldn't have fretted when he started dismantling a bureaucracy that never really properly served The People. We, The People, couldn't yet appreciate the extraordinary power self-dealers wield. We couldn't have imagined the resulting milk and honey in volumes far exceeding Old Testament reports. Heaven on Earth will seem like a modest objective once every damned income is so damned far above average that we won't be able to imagine average from there. Mine amounts to only A Modest Proposal now that we're blessed with a master self-dealer in office. All hail crypto and the strategic reserve we'd never imagined we might control! How could we get so damned lucky, making America Greater than ever? (Wait, can we actually achieve greater before we've even achieved great?)

©2025 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: #NextWorld, #PureSchmaltz