Master of the Die: Apollo Slaying Python, plate one from The History of Apollo and Daphne (c. 1532)

Gallery Note:
The alteration to this impression is not initially evident, but closer inspection reveals that this predominantly nude Apollo is missing his genitalia. A viewer deliberately scraped away the ink at the god’s crotch in a campaign of extremely localized censorship. Given how modestly Apollo was originally endowed, this change does not significantly alter the image overall. Rather, the god’s sizable arrow quiver dangles more provocatively between his legs than his own penis ever did. The objecting viewer, apparently lacking a grasp of age-old visual puns, may not have realized that, with his alteration, the visual emphasis merely shifted to this larger and more obvious phallus substitute.

"Eye for an eye and tooth for tooth sentences actually seem like justice to them."

For MAGAs, the past is not comprised of memories. Those of us seeking referents for MAGA assertions about the past seem doomed to disappointment, for they do not share a history with anybody but themselves. They rely upon a different basis upon which to anchor their assertions. To their minds, these are not fictional representations, but more like Biblical ones. Sure, the past might not have happened precisely like they recall, but their rememberings seem more divinely inspired and thereby more valid than what might have actually happened. Their recollections carry the gravitas of Old Testament testimony, unlike the obviously phony more conventional histories. They and the members of their tribe know better than the “lame” mainstream academics. Academic histories were obviously written with political agendas, as are all histories written by winners. The losers carry different stories and believe in theirs more fervently than any professional historian ever believes in theirs. The professionals might insist that theirs are not dependent upon belief but facts. In any wrestling match between belief and facts, bet on the beliefs to ultimately prevail.

Many advancements seem absent from MAGA history. Medical discoveries, for instance, seem routinely omitted. The discovery and wide success of vaccines seem to be ignored, as if they never existed. Likewise, the horrible histories of viral and bacterial contagions are also often absent. The devastation diphtheria would bring to a settlement's children seems unacknowledged by MAGA histories. Two of my great-great-grand uncles died of diphtheria the same week, back before a vaccine existed to head it off. Smallpox marked a majority of my ancestors, those it didn't outright kill, but MAGA historians compare their complexions to summer days. What today amounts to a minor infection laid low most of those who contracted it in old age back in the day. Life expectancy might have been only half or a quarter of four-score and ten but MAGA histories remember the Old Testament ages and conclude that people routinely lived for hundreds of years before civilization descended into what they believe to be its current dark, unenlightened period. They seriously believe life was better before modern conveniences cursed our existence.

MAGAs exist like Pilgrims, intellectually isolated from the general population. This encourages their belief in every conspiracy that comes along. They know from personal experience how wrong journalists get most things because they understand what journalists refuse to believe. MAGAs think themselves the intellectual and emotional superiors of everyone else. They believe they understand physics better than the PhDs, because those PhDs do not properly believe. To the MAGA mind, or what passes for it, conventional understandings omit the more profound and more significant meanings history was supposed to impart. If one does not fervently believe in virgin birth, for instance, one cannot be much of an OBGYN. If a physician falls for the obvious fictions of so-called modern medicine, they don't amount to much of a doctor. If a professional cannot see right through the drug companies' propaganda to refuse to dispense the measles vaccine, they cannot quite qualify to be a MAGA healthcare provider.

It's no accident that the nutritional supplement industry has entirely bankrolled the vast right-wing media empire. Seemingly about half the square footage of a modern pharmacy displays shit that's not in any way related to promoting health or human benefit. The bulk of the "nutraceuticals" probably undermines their users' health. There's a "folk" remedy for everything from obesity to piles, none of which actually work very well, but each of which seems capable of rendering any doctor's prescription ridiculous. Why pay for those expensive drugs when a simple, traditional toad flax tincture will organically treat the complaint without requiring insurance coverage or a physician's consent? The effectiveness of these so-called traditional treatments remains the best-kept secret of modern medicine. In fact, to MAGAs, the whole concept of contemporary medicine amounts to a conspiracy against the traditionally far more effective witch doctory relied upon by those raised to have faith in their hand-me-down histories. Between those and the need to be gluten-free, it's a wonder any MAGAs grow into adulthood, though even the oldest retain a child-like ignorance well into and beyond the oldest ages. The fact that any of them survive childhood seems ample justification to them of their refusal to embrace more effective medicine.

It's not just medicine that suffers from MAGA reframing. Economics and philosophy suffer equally or worse than do the healing professions. The tariff obsession seems rooted in literal translations of works published before the twentieth century, back when a measurable amount of the domestic economy was measured in the barter value of applejack and the value of horse flesh by people who preferred to store their specie underneath their mattress. Back when a penny saved might have actually been one earned, the elasticity of more modern currencies hadn't yet been invented. Those who steadfastly refuse to believe in post-modern equivalents of value hold themselves at a distinct disadvantage, guaranteeing themselves justifiable complaints about their economic standing. They insist upon every reason they might have for holding grudges against those seemingly dishonestly wealthy. Those who pay with credit cards and travel for free on Frequent Flier Miles surely seem irresponsible to those who insist upon inhabiting a cash-based economy. It's a similar dance for those eschewing more modern social philosophies, those insisting that authoritarian governance amounts to tyranny. Those preferring Old Testament Presidents and compliant congresses find no crime in violating any liberal democracy's constitution. Eye for an eye and tooth for tooth sentences actually seem like justice to them.

©2025 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

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