Edward S. Curtis:
Hamatsa Emerging from the Woods - Koskimo
(c. 1914)

“Nobody ever better deserved one of those handbaskets they say we should order.”

Never a day slips by or an afternoon recedes without another crocodile emergency appearing. The indecent house of cards our incumbent and his regrettable cabinet have constructed continually threatens to crumble. They have 911, or its equivalent, on speed dial. It’s always the same pattern: someone tried, or usually actually managed to hoodwink them into believing, but it turns out they were misled. Another hasty response was absolutely necessary lest some situation threaten to get resolved. Each intervention only serves to deepen each dilemma until the administration, which never had any intention of administering anything, feels forced to administer something. Their disinterest seems most manifest then, for their proffered solution always makes the situation worse, often much worse. Then they declare another unqualified success, by which I mean another action in no way qualified to be classified as successful. Then, action properly defended to their own satisfaction if no others, they return to parade rest until another inevitable UmUrgency interrupts their distraction again.

The rhythm of these disruptions has become perfectly predictable. How the administration manages to continue surprising itself seems to be the only mystery. They apparently never see even the least of these events coming, while their audience sits spellbound by another Kabuki Theater, a slow-motion train wreck they see coming from a hundred or more miles away. The mystery seems to genuinely baffle our incumbent, as if he weren’t confused by virtually everything he encounters. Either he was uniquely unprepared for the everyday challenges of government service, or he’s set a new standard for ineptness, or perhaps both. It’s not entertainment if everyone tuning in has heard the jokes a thousand times before and repeats each punchline more confidently than their most practiced performer. It’s not entertainment for anyone but the troupe, who regard themself as uniquely blessed to be so frequently cursed by “random” happenstance.

I recall before times, when Decency himself inhabited the Oval Office. We’d occasionally experience some urgency. Often, some contingency plan kicked in with few feathers and even less dust disturbed. The press conference exuded confidence that the situation was well in hand. Emergency services had usually already arrived after being staged in anticipation. The odd genuine tragedy would occasionally visit those presidencies, but not so regularly and never so ineptly addressed. It’s almost as if our present incumbent has been uniquely cursed, for unlike each of his predecessors, this one in this time remains steadfastly overwhelmed with curiously embarrassing urgencies. Evidence that he’s not learning anything, his urgencies continue to multiply, while even his most beset predecessors eventually came to seem less endlessly indisposed.

A Decent administration would, in addition to holding sincere intentions of administering something, would successfully subdue their otherwise unmanageable futures. No plan alone can tame the vagaries of statecraft, but the absence of anything resembling a coherent plan nearly guarantees an endless string of UmUrgencies, hair-on-fire occurrences routinely repeated daily. The surest tell that someone’s headed to Hell comes from what befalls him along the way. Those who complain of dog shit wherever they stand have usually forgotten to check their own shoes. Those whose houses continually catch fire might not be observing even the most basic fire prevention practices. Those whose hair continually catches fire might reasonably consider different headgear. Those whose fate constantly concerns them are rarely merely unlucky. The repeated punishments eventually become the crime, and the crime, every time, is self-inflicted.

My heart goes out to those who, even due to their own actions, seem beset with UmUrgencies. I feel their embarrassment even when they can’t. I sense their frustration. I understand their puzzlement. No fool can fool a fool like that fool himself can. Still, it’s not merely passive victimhood or a lack of luck at play. If I didn’t know better, I’d blame karma, if only because nobody seems more deserving. No, it’s almost nobody’s fault our incumbent bumbles so. It appears to be his nature. He was always thus.

Furthermore, his superpower appears capable of infecting anyone in proximity to him. Indecency spreads like smallpox in such crowds. Any association at all increases the likelihood of another Um-barrassing surprise. If only our incumbent were capable of embarrassment. His audience provides the shame he’s incapable of sensing. This, for us observers, proves embarrassing enough. Nobody ever better deserved one of those proverbial handbaskets they say we should order.

©2025 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

Tags: #Decency, #PureSchmaltz