Paul Giambarba: The Withered Arm (c. 1960)

" … practicing holding out my pinkie finger just so …"

The Muse was invited to attend a Port Commissioner Orientation session as her first official function in her newly elected role. This would undoubtedly be the first of innumerable functions she will attend after she's sworn into office later this month. Like many elected offices, the Commissioner's role might be fairly classified as functionary since it involves performing official functions, often publicly. These will include endless lunches and official dinners, many of which the spouse has traditionally been obligated to attend. As the first female Port Commissioner in this body's history, The Muse drags along her form of First Husband rather than the more traditional aging bride. The beauty accompanying the functionary beast has traditionally been colloquially referred to as ArmCandy, a role I have now been conscripted to play.

I was not elected to the ArmCandy position. It just comes with the territory; spouses have traditionally acquiesced to these requests. It would cause whispered concerns if a Commissioner's spouse failed to show up at certain functions. For instance, I am absolutely required to attend the upcoming swearing-in function, for it would be unthinkable that I'd not be there, as if The Muse somehow required my fully present emotional support to somehow survive the ordeal. I've been practicing beaming with pride to prepare myself for what will become my first official command performance.

If not precisely retired, I pre-tired several years ago and have since let my waistline and wardrobe degrade. I maintain a closet filled with almost exactly the same light blue chambray work shirts, and I have taken to wearing only blue jeans with the obligatory unraveling bottom seam. I wear my barefoot shoes, my muck shoes, or my slippers. I think I have a worn pair of ancient wingtips in the bottom of a closet. I outgrew my suit years ago. I needed an upgraded wardrobe, so I took advantage of The Muse's Commissioner Orientation Training trip to visit my old haberdasher.

I first tried my old tried and true Nordstrom, but found a mildly demeaning upseller and goods far too stylish for this ArmCandy's taste. I was not kind as I savaged his offerings. I might have looked like I knew nothing about my fabrics, but I did. I told him that I would not be caught dead wearing that sixteen hundred dollar jacket because its fabric was shit. He didn't have anything better to show. My old haberdasher would deliver, though. His shop has been on that same corner since 1910 and is now run by the third generation. They exclusively stock classic styles at premium prices, but classic styles turn out to be more investment than mere purchase. Their offerings will last as long as a waistline and, at my age, will probably become my burial shroud. I felt attended to and showed my appreciation by buying two pairs of pants, two shirts, a belt, and that jacket. Once the tailoring's complete, I will be able to compete with the best of the other ArmCandy present at any function.

I practiced performing my new role this week at the final dinner of the Commissioner Orientation function. I arrived late, grabbed a plate, and sat next to one of The Muse's new associates who had just discovered The Blind Men book I'd authored. We gabbed like long-lost friends, with The Muse occasionally interrupting to introduce me to some other functionary. I'm officially deaf in any noisy crowd, but I know how to knowingly nod and conspiratorially acknowledge when I've been introduced to some Very Important Person. I’m already politically experienced enough to understand that anyone I might be introduced to amounts to a Very Important Person, worthy of my sincere deference. I felt every inch a stranger in that company, for that was The Muse's new tribe, never mine, but perhaps they'll have an ArmCandy auxiliary where the Commissioner spouses get together to drink tea and gossip. I'll start practicing holding out my pinkie finger just so in respectful preparation. This ArmCandy role's gonna require some adaptation.

©2023 by David A. Schmaltz - all rights reserved

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